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Military Humor

Suspicions Confirmed!

Emmet asked Willard..."Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war to make us forget about women?"

"I think you mean salt peter!"

"Yeap, that's the stuff...."  "I think it's starting to work!!”


Marine Career vs Navy Career...

An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who had the tougher career. 

I did 30 years in the Corps,' the Marine declared proudly, and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. 

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty Puller. We pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets'.

'Ah', said the Old Chief, 'You lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?'


The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved, etc.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.   “Janie, do you have a story to share?'  ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.   She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence) 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal 
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- U.S. Air Force Manual 
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' 

 General MacArthur 
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt. 
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance 
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal 
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' 
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit 
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'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' 
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) 
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------  
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club..' 
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up ... The pilot dies.' 
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 
'Why is it doing that?' 
'Where are we?' 
And 'Oh Sh.t!' 
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!' 
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------  
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,  'What happened?' 
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' 
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Pictures of our Military having fun in Iraq.  Click here


Arriving late for work every day

Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with him. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers."

Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"

Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said Tom.

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.

"They said, 'Good morning, General'."

This year's term: Political Correctness. 

(Though it's roots are not found in the Military establishment, there has been some evidence that suggests this doctrine has been adopted on occasion !) 

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to 'pick up a turd by the clean end."

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.  

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a U.S. Army Chaplain who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.  The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: my loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: May26th 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, " Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, " Master Gunnery Sergeant , United States Marines, retired Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer:  "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer:  "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
                  Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier:  "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44,  I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!!!

This page was last updated on 09/30/15 09:46
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